On the first anniversary of my father’s death, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. I found a quiet place to sit with my thoughts, opened up my journal and began to write. What came next was a series of experiences that culminated in a manifestation of the divine. My intention was to be present and open to whatever feelings or thoughts were being transmitted in real-time; to let the light of wisdom shine, unobstructed from fear, judgement or reason. Ordinarily, we do not discover the wisdom of our feelings because we are too afraid to let them complete their work; with courage we can give up resisting them and allow the wisdom to emerge.
The feelings that arise during moments of fear and doubt are inescapable. You cannot ignore it or stuff it down if you wanted to. Your thoughts may run into the past or future, however, they cannot escape the present moment. Those thoughts are themselves of the moment, happening in real-time. The beauty of this ultimate Reality is that you can neither escape it nor catch it by pursuit; there is no coming toward it or going away from it. You are it. The only things to do is become who you are.
Patiently, the words appeared before me, filling one page and then another. A letter to my father; a list of things I found of his; an update on mom. There was a pause between each paragraph; I’d close my eyes and listen for the advice I was seeking while watching myself wriggle with discomfort and dis-ease, fighting the urge to flee my feelings. Eventually I was called to read a passage from my favorite philosopher, Alan Watt’s, The Parable of the Cow’s Tail. I read it aloud to my dad and imagined his energy in the room. By the last line I broke down in tears.
“You can run wild, you can seek wisdom, you can ignore it, but you can’t diverge from the [one Reality].”
I looked up and saw dad sitting across from me in the empty seat, his legs crossed like the photo I have of him from 1978, proudly displaying his new vinyl record by the French-Iranian artist Charles Aznavour. I retrieved his photo and saw the name of the title track was “Je n’ai pas vu le temps passer.”
What is this message my father was holding in his hands before me?
Translated, it reads, “I did not see the time pass by.”
In that I found the answer and guidance I was seeking. Wisdom that I would not have received if I hadn’t had the courage to sit with my feelings. I saw the time that had passed since he passed; 365 days of healing and growth. One day at a time turns to one year at a time, and through it all my father will always be with me.
Our feelings are wise; they are a harmonious and intelligent response to the course of events unfolding before us. Often times we do not discover the wisdom of our feelings because we do not let them complete their work. We fidget with the discomfort of vulnerability and the dis-ease of uncertainty, unable to sit with the truth. To surrender goes against our basic human instinct to control. Only when we relinquish control and listen with an open mind, will the wisdom of our emotions arise.